I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
