Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
