Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
