Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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