Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am one with the molecules
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
