Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He shit in the fireplace
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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