batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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