Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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