now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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