She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
