I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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