Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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