I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
