Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Found the puke drawer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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