Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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