I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
