I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
