theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We need to get me chipped asap
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
