his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
