He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
