If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
