if i can run in heels then i can drive
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
