Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
