I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
