he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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