Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Rumble strips road head = magical
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
