My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
