I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
