I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
