we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
