that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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