batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
