I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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