He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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