I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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