My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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