Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
