come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
