saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
