life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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