My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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