you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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