can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
