apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
