Where is the hickey?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
