The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize