be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
