i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
