i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
