Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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