I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
