I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize