Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
