Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize