this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
