Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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