My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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