If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
