I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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