did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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