the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
