sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize