She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
