mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
