apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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