oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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